Dynamics of Abusive Relationships

The Complexities of Domestic Violence Part 2

I’d like to start out by saying there are many, many different levels and types of abuse found in relationships that have an imbalance in power and control between the partners, and they all can be extremely destructive to relationships and families.  All abusers have a sense of entitlement and view their partners and/or children on some level as possessions and are therefore entitled or justified in their actions to get their needs met and maintain the level of control that they feel entitled to by whatever means it takes.  Their behaviors have been learned and practiced to get the results they desire.  All this can be done consciously or subconsciously and would be vehemently denied if someone confronted the abuser with it.

Sometimes, as in my relationship with an extremely controlling person and me being a people pleaser, he rarely had to resort to physical violence to maintain the level of power and control he needed. Most of the time, as in my case, it's important that they isolate us as much as they can from our support systems– family and friends. This can be blatant or very sneakily done.  When we are inside the dynamics of a relationship like this, It is hard for us to clearly  see that we are being isolated. Generally, it's only when we get out that we can see the extent of all of the little tactics they used to distance people and sabotage healthy relationships. It's all about getting their needs met and keeping us under control. And my case, we generally lived very far away from family and didn't get to see them very often.  Thankfully, my family - especially my mom - stuck by my side all the way through.

I was very blessed. I also managed to have very many friends along the way that loved me so much, though I hardly did much with them except work. My one  best friend in Minnesota just loved me through it all and understood every time I couldn't come over or do things with her. She just loved me all the time. And still does. And I have the blessings/curse of being able to be happy wherever I am with whatever I have, so I will say I was genuinely happy most of the time and made the best life that I could inside the box I had.  It was when I tried to get out of the box that things got rough. I had a lot of support and it still took about all I had to get out at the end.  Next month, I'll talk about why do women stay in unhealthy relationships.